I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
