he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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