We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
