Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We need a shit load of segways right now
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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