bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
