Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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