tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
