I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
