How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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