My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
