the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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