I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
