so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
