So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
