Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
