Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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