yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I've blown a few things in my day
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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