you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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