She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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