It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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