Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
