this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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