OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
