You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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