Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
