I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
