its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
