I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
