Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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