I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
