Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
