Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
