I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
