I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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