Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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