Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
