I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
