I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
