Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The power of my boobs compel you
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
