During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
