yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
