Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I need water and some morals
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
