I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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