I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
