Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
