i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
