Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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