i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
