Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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