Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
